I looked at that high-tech monstrosity and thought, Let’s fuck myself up today. So I did. French vanilla. Seven shots of espresso. Because moderation is for cowards.
First sip? Brilliant mistake. Only idiots and truckers put this much espresso in their coffee, and lucky for me, I qualify as both. The Yeti mug was a necessity because my hands are shaking so bad, the coffee would've just launched itself into orbit. Pretty sure the cream in the fridge turned to butter just from being near me.
Most people in the office just sighed and accepted their fate. But the new hire? She’s clutching her phone, ready to call 911. I gave her a thumbs-up, but I think it came off more like a distress signal.
Effects so far:
✅ Can hear WiFi signals
✅ Can see the future, but only 30 seconds ahead
✅ Floating slightly above the ground—contact is optional now
✅ Office plugged me into the power grid, and I’m currently running half the building
✅ CB radio? Don’t need it. I am the frequency now.
Regrets? None. Next time: 10 shots. Let’s see if I can break the sound barrier before my shift starts.
Follow up the next day:
But this time, it wasn’t just coffee. It was some new shit that broke the laws of physics. My neighbor (who I now suspect is a Vietnamese coffee dealer of destruction) handed me a pack with a smile that basically said, "This… wake you… up."
Well, mission accomplished, buddy.
See, I didn’t know how many packs to use, so I did what any rational person would do: I guessed. Turns out, five was not the right number. Five was the number that rewrote my DNA.
Current status:
I can see new colors. Specifically, the color of sound.
Time is actually going backward. I think I just high-fived my past self.
I can now thread a needle on a running sewing machine.
My coffee mug self-stirs because I am vibrating faster than molecular cohesion allows.
Sleep? Irrelevant. I’ve got five marathons to run today.
My truck is too scared to start out of respect for my newfound speed.
I have officially met every god from every religion. Buddha, Odin, Zeus—we’re all besties now.
Final rating? I have become Death, destroyer of caffeine tolerance.
If you need me, I’ll be somewhere between the astral plane and the finish line of my fifth marathon, contemplating why this coffee tastes a little too good.... suspiciously good
Hysterical!
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