Pete was a hard-boiled, no-nonsense cop from London City murder squad. Twenty years of blood and mayhem on the mean streets had been more than enough. Time to retire to a job far away from the high risk life he led. Train conductor... now there's a boring job he thought. (funniest thing you'll read today)

A guy boarded in Wigan and sat opposite me. He went to sleep for an hour.

When he woke up he bought a sandwich, ate it and went back to sleep.

Later, the train guard is walking through, checking tickets, and gently wakes the guy.
“Can I see your ticket, please?”
“Oh, I need to buy a ticket”
“Where you going, pal?”
The guy glances at his phone.
“Edinburgh”
“Where did you get on?”

I can see the cogs working in this guy’s head. He figures out roughly where we are and what the last stop was.
“Carlisle”

The train guard sits down next to him and pauses.
“Are you sure you didn’t get on sooner?”

The guy is wondering if the guard saw him earlier. He decides to go for it. Poker face time. I feel like I’m watching Pacino and De Niro face off in ‘Heat’.

“I got on in Carlisle”
The train guard furrows his brow, puts his ticket machine down and picks up a receipt from the table in front of the guy.

“This train stopped in Carlisle 10 minutes ago, but this receipt was issued over an hour ago.”

Holy shit! Train Guard has evidence. Wasn’t this supposed to be made available to the defense team?

I can see the beads of sweat forming on the guy’s forehead.
“That’s not mine”
(Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the evidence the prosecution have is circumstantial)

“This receipt is for a sandwich, you’ve got crumbs all over you.”

He does, too! The train guard is Sherlock Holming the crap out of this. The guy might has well have had mayo on his face. What a plum!

“That’s not mine. I had a sandwich in Carlisle”
Damn. He’s denying everything. Is the train guard going to inspect the sandwich packaging?

“Carlisle to Edinburgh, that’s £27. Cash or card?”

He’s... he’s got away with it. Gutted. Really thought the train guard had him.

The guy pulls out his wallet and slides over his debit card. There’s a definite air of smugness, he put the card on the table like it was a platinum credit card.

Oh well, I guess he’s evaded justice this time.

Wait...
The train guard is looking at the card very closely.

The guy appears confused.

Maintaining eye contact with the perp, the train guard puts the card down next to the receipt.
“This is the same card used to buy the sandwich, sir.”

The guy’s eyes are darting back and forth from the guard to the card.
“No.... what?”

“The last four digits are printed on the receipt”

Sweet Falk! He’s got him!

The guy’s shoulders slump. No response. Completely dumbfounded.
“... and I’m sure if I checked the camera footage we’d see you getting on earlier and buying that sandwich”.

“I fell asleep. I was a bit spaced out”
“No problem, sir. Where did you get on”
“Wigan”
“That’ll be £71, please, sir”

The guy didn’t sleep again after that. He spent the rest of the journey staring down at that receipt.

I mean, the real crime here is the price of rail travel but, wow. What a trip.

By night I’m a comedian, but by day, I’d like to be shooting a Columbo movie with @MarkRuffalo in the main role and @FunnySuzyB as exec producer. Give me a chance, Hollywood, you cowards.

https://twitter.com/comedylopez/status/1215978014728691712