Best sales pitch you may ever read

2013 GMC 2500 Denali. $45,000. Below Blue Book!!!! Why you ask? This truck may be more loaded than an Irishman in a whiskey-drinking contest, but it is no Sunday driver. It is a ¾ ton, 4-wheel drive, luxury work horse and it was cast from smelted bullet casings and stealth fighters by God’s own iron fist to be rode hard and put away wet. It may have a couple of scratches on it but that is ok. And do you know why? Because it’s a truck. And you’re a man. And together you are Maximus Meridius from Gladiator. And while women may swoon at your kind hard heart and gentile touch, underneath it all you are a BAMF who doesn’t back down from a fight and you have the scars to prove it. Because you sweat pure gasoline, and bleed oil and all you need is your 360hp Vortec chariot to get you to the promise land.

Your boats and snow machines are nothing but a light snack for this 6-speed auto, HD, demon-powered towing machine. With its Z71 Off-road package, you can enter dirt track races while towing your 17,800-lb life-size robot collection and a hot tub full of topless super models, and still win. All while outrunning the cops and mowing down zombies with your Mack truck-resembling chrome front bumper.

More technologically advanced than the Starship Enterprise, this truck will transport you in style while trusting you with all of its secrets. Wondering what your oil pressure is but don’t want go outside to check? Simply consult your smartphone and unveil everything you desire to know. Tire pressure, engine temperature, gas level, oil pressure, can all be summoned and accessible to you alone at the touch of your fingertip. Your friends will start to wonder how you became so wise and the Oracle from the Matrix will be calling to ask you for advice.

With its 6.0 liter V8, this truck will transport you to your destination faster than you can say Bad Mother Fu@#er and will arrive with about the subtlety of a tectonic plate shifting during the 1964 earthquake. Yes people will stare, my friend. Because you are always the winner in the reaux sham beaux that is your life; because rock trumps scissors, paper trumps rock, but a swift kick to the balls trumps paper, every time.

The rear automatic sliding glass window allows you to make sure that the grizzly you killed with your bare hands hasn’t come back to life. Or the sled you loaded up to high mark Mt McKinley hasn’t budged an inch. Since your 6 1/2′ bed is Rhino Lined with ¼” of near bullet-proof rubber, your big boy toys will be safely transported to the fiery inferno’s of hell and back, because that is where you go to play.

But what about the interior you ask? Hundreds of lambs died an honorable death to effectuate leather soft enough to make-up this hulk’s supple interior. The climate can be controlled to subliminal perfection by the shear omnipotent power in your callused right hand. The perpetually-complaining-about-the-cold woman in your life will be happy to know that heat can be generated at the touch of a button that will literally light a fire under her ass. In addition to heated (and cooled) seats, it’s power can be summoned from anywhere on the planet; it’s 8 powerful pistons coaxed into roaring to life for you alone, because you are the Lone Ranger, but Silver has nothing on this faithful steed. Sitting in the command center of this 2013 batmobile black, panty-dropping stallion, you will have more features at your fingertips than that kid David in “Flight of the Navigator,” but you will look like a lot less of a douche, because you aren’t flying a talking space ship 3 yards from the ground. You’re Han Solo, flying the Millennium Falcon, and The Force is for pussies.

Yes, this truck may have more options than a menu at Village Inn, but don’t let its Babylonian luxury fool you. It may have you feeling richer than a Russian Czar but it is about as tameable as a rogue wave and will chew you up and spit you out if you do not give it the respect it commands. But command it you will, and respect you will have because this truck is intimidating. Corvettes, Challengers and other gutless vehicles scurry out of its way, even when it’s in the slow lane. The pilot car in construction sites escorts it through immediately, even when it’s the only vehicle in line. It can out run the cops in 2nd gear, and does. It will park in a handicap space, then tow the tow-truck away. It will be the best man at your wedding, sleep with your bride, and never call her again. Yeah, it’s that bad.

If you like the looks of this truck but don’t think that is worth every bit of $45,000, then do not bother calling. Because this truck is the lovechild of Optimus Prime and Kitt from knight Rider and if you don’t recognize its true potential, than you do not deserve to be at the helm of such an almighty machine.

Skip the dealership, all you will get there is a long-winded sales pitch

found on http://bangshift.com/blog/funny-craigslist-truck-ad-an-alaskan-womans-gmc-truck-ad-to-end-all-truck-ads.html

Generic used car sales pitch for Craiglist

-I am the 14th owner, not really but I don’t know. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the warp drive once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with long roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don’t know, I’m not collecting statistical analysis points. I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.
 -It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has a gazillion miles, Poindexter! If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it’s empty!
 -The little (insert engine size) starts and runs like the proverbial champ. I haven’t upgraded because I had plans: Had planned a big block, posi, bug catcher etc etc. Life got in the way – it ain’t happening. -The stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter’s idea, take it up with her.
 -(insert aftermarket performance parts company name) stickers stays as well. They are awesome, so there.

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling? I can’t justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money. Someone else needs to appreciate the (insert car model name) for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.
-What’s wrong with it? Small oil leaks. Cosmetic issues. And it’s pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.
 -Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]? No. I’m not in the salvage business. Buy the car. Love the car. Give the stang a home.
 -Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]? No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number] Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of stuff honda project down the road. I think I’m plenty cheap for this bad mofo.
 -Why is it not stock? Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a fire breathing street machine. I haven’t had the time to do so. So I am selling it.
 -Can I put a 6″ lift and giant tires on it? I don’t care. But be sure to use quality components and for God’s sake – get it aligned after.
 -Would this make a good car for my daughter? Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
 -Can you deliver? Within reason. I’d drive it a 10 miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.
 -Will you take a check / cashier’s check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note? Would you take a ball peen hammer to the forehead? No. I’ll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don’t show.
 -Will you ship to -? No. See above.
 -No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]? That’s great, I don’t care. Unicef ain’t running this deal, and until they do I want $7000. Why? Because I don’t HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I’d rather keep it.
But if it’s going to a good home – I will sell. Unless you’re mean – then no sale.

Adapted from a often used Craiglist ad that has sold Chevys, Fords, etc etc from Montana to South Carolina found on http://bangshift.com/blog/a-gazillion-mile-mustang-on-craigslist-with-ad-verbage-hilarity-you-wont-want-to-miss.html

Self made sales commercial to sell his old Maxima results in Nissan buying the car from him!

Luke Akers wanted to sell his 1996 Nissan Maxima GLE - yes, the one seen above that needs a ratchet strap to keep the front end from bursting with joy - the Florida filmmaker turned on his cameras and yelled "Quiet on set!" The result is a one-minute videographic homage to mankind's monuments, narrated with all the intensity of a BBC documentary to sell a 17-year-old sports sedan that comes "fully loaded with an engine, wheels, tires and an automatic transmission."

http://www.autoblog.com/2013/12/19/nissan-buys-used-maxima-from-luke-ayers-crazy-ad/

he also did a print campaign:

The time has come for me to sell my beloved 1996 Maxima, a faithful car that now has to go. Of course, I can’t send it off without a proper goodbye. So in my spare time I decided to make this little ditty. Because marketing.

Shot within two weekends on a Canon 60D and Nikkor and Sigma lenses.

Budget: $100.00

Currently accruing 1,000 views/day on Youtube.

Music: -Richter: Recomposed by Max Richter: Vivaldi, The Four Seasons – Summer 3 -Vivaldi, The Four Seasons – Summer 3

Archival Footage: -First Pan-Tilt of the Eiffel Tower circa. 1900 -The Golden Gate Bridge

From the original Craigslist Ad:

Luxurious 1996 Maxima GLE land-ship-yacht There is luxury in a Bentley, speed in a Ferrari, comfort in Bugatti.

For everything else, there’s this 1996 Nissan Maxima; aged 17 years.

Appropriately named, never before in history has a car had the words “time-tested” engraved into its lone spirit. Being offered up for sale I present to you a car that will make magic happen. It not only brings more admiring stares than any other car I have driven it also has seatbelts! Amazing!

This pavement-yacht has a ride as smooth as a Pegasus’ backside. Its such a massive and impressive land-yacht it requires the use of steering fluid that has been designed to leak out from underneath the car when it has been exhausted from the majestic work that it has done, released into the wild when the great Maxima when it has decided its time has come. This Maxima no longer needs to let the odometer tell it how far it has gone – it has chosen a path of greatness and valor and refuses to let silly numbers determine its life!

Only moments after sitting it its comfort of properly weathered leather you will hear the squeals of glee that the powerful V6 motors makes as it groans to life. You are at the command of a great ship, a warrior land-ship-yacht with scars to prove that it has indeed been to war and back! This steed of sorts will carry you from here and only by its grace will it allow you to get to where you are going at the mercy of its majesty!

Few have ridden its glorious wheels, and few more may see its greatness.

The orange Unifying Grasp and Lift safetY (aslo known as U.G.L.Y.) restrains the front hood to the maxima degree!

Email Me!

Best Offer!

*No warranty is expressed or implied the vehicle will be sold AS-IS.
*No it is not “magic”

above text and prints from http://ikonikfilms.com/portfolio/luxury-defined-the-1996-maxima-gle-sport-sedan/

salesmanship nonpareil! This ought to be advertising and sales 101 for car salesmen

As one last-ditch effort to raise some cash after months of joblessness had left him nearly broke, with his savings near zero and no job offers in sight, Jangan found himself with no other choice than to sell his trusty Subaru, a hatchback that had been in the family for nearly two decades.

So one evening in early January, Jangan set about writing up what he hoped would be a winning ad to be published on the Blocket buy-sell site.

"I included a bit of humour thinking it might help get my car sold. It wasn't going to sell itself; it's really an old beater," he said of the white 1985 Subaru Justy J10 Trendy.

Jangan's creative muse resulted in an ad that placed his car in a scene from the Lord of the Rings film, complete with a fierce looking Saruman. To spice things up further, Jangan cut and pasted an '80s-era picture of US actor and cult hero David Hasselhoff giving a thumbs-up sign.

"I included The Hoff because my girlfriend has this weird sort of crush on him. That's why he's there. After I'd put in scenes from Mordor, I figured 'Why not add The Hoff?'"

In the text of the ad, Jangan referred to his car as a "Japanese mountain goat" featuring "the power of 54 frighteningly well-hung horses", adding that it was "hand-forged in the darkest of Japanese industries" by "the Saruman of carmakers".

"The car has seat belts in all seats, built with the 1984-patented I.D.N.R.I.S, which stands for Instant Death No Retardation Impact System. In other words, there is no risk of ending up in long-term care because you die immediately in any collision at speeds higher than 12 km/hour," the ad read.

While listing an asking price of 10,000 kronor ($1,500), Jangan added in the ad that he would be willing to trade the car for a job as he was "in a city where the prospects for the future are on a par with those of North Korea".

And when Jangan checked his email on Tuesday night, he shocked to find hundreds of new mails inquiring about the car and praising his creativity.

Among the many emails were dozens of job offers, including one from motorsports magazine Auto, Motor, & Sport.

"I've always dreamed of being an automotive journalist – probably watched too much Top Gear in my time, so I said yes right away," Jangan recalled.

http://www.thelocal.se/20140114/man-lands-dream-job-after-hasselhoff-car-ad learned about via http://www.autoblog.com/2014/01/17/hasselhoff-car-ad-dream-job-sweden/